Almost a year later...

Things have gotten really different. Having our own place, we now know what it is like to be on our own again. It is nice. Some days I still worry about it all, like I always do. I do not ever want to be back...there. For people who do not understand, this makes no logical sense. But please let me enlighten you. Let me open your mind and reach your soul. Sit back and be patient, this may take a while!

Been a while...

I have not written in a while. I sit here tired and defeated in front of my screen. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things were different. There are so many thoughts just swimming in my head. I have no time to do much of anything except be swamped with thought about what I need to do. Somedays I try to tell myself I am lazy but in the end "laziness" wills out I guess and another day has come and gone...Again!

Today is Wednesday!

...And so begins another gloomy day of research and videos. I don’t remember how it started. Something with a post about another blog page and that lead to researching two movies which lead to a video, then another and yet another until I saw the video for “particle man” and said “why not?” so I clicked it! I remember feeling so very overwhelmed. In my opinion I can never find enough information on girls with autism. When I do it’s validating to know that there are others out there however this seems to be a new thing. I don’t know if it’s just talk outta my butt because I have been watching so many videos on it and knowing that is exactly what my life is like some days…Sometimes I don’t understand the ways of the world and I think it is just not meant for me to ponder such things. So I feel as if I am floating from day to day, learning anything I can in the process of just being. It seems for right now my life have been on hold, waiting…waiting for something…

No one cares...

It does not matter what I do, no one cares. I sit here alone, by myself and no one cares. Why bother writing, why bother doing anything? Why do I even bother at all!? All I seem to do is mess things up and piss people off. I am so very sad, no one cares. Even in my darkest times, no one cares. Why should I care??? No one cares!!!! I'll stuff it all down and shut the hell up because guess what??? No one cares!!!

Another day in the life of....

Sometimes my curiosity it like a bad drug. I get withdraws from knowledge from time to time. Because of this I keep myself immersed in an unhealthy level of knowledge. I keep trying to learn and grow but getting wrapped up in all the sour feeling I have some days for autism. As I read other parent’s stories I am infatuated and frustrated that there is not more we as parents can do. No one will really know what it is like to have a child who regressed and lost valuable learning in the process. No parent may ever really know what its like to re teach your child to speak. No one knows the pain we parents often carry, unless you have been affected by autism. It is said if you know one person with autism, you know one person…This is because autism affects us all differently. Some kids are high functioning and some are low functioning, some may be able to speak, other cannot yet can blog and write books. Autism is so very different for everyone. I want the world to know this!!! For those of you who do not know what we go through please learn and grow with me. I need your help too because without an accepting world my child will never have a chance. I have my good days and I have my bad days, but everyday I breathe and live for my child. Everyday is a learning process and everyday I try and try to come to terms with my life…Autism is my life!

I'm no Fool, This is MY Life!

I think of all the things I could joke about and realize my whole life could be view as one big joke. From the denial to the harder days, the trials and exhaustion every breath has been real. Everyday can become a struggle. Everyday I have to plan. Everyday I feel depleted. I love my daughter dearly and sometimes I feel that life played a joke on me. You see, whatever does not kill us only makes us stronger. So after all is said and done we are still standing strong! I will now laugh at people who say stupid things. I won’t get angry and upset anymore. It serves no point; they are going to be ignorant no matter what. It just pains me sometimes to know that some people won’t try to learn but yet try to disprove what you tell them. There is so much information about autism and I don’t understand why people choose to believe all the stereotypes and old information? Why can’t we all be educated? I guess people only want to know what they need to know. For autism awareness month I think I will educate other as much as I can. Pray for me because it is going to be hard and I know I am going to find a lot of ignorance. It needs to be done. People need to know the truth, and that as research continues, more information is going to flow. So what do you say…Will you flow with me?

Things in Life

Sometimes it is all about how you view the things in life. Sometimes you might view something as good or sometimes you might view something as bad. It depends on what mechanism we use to dissect and analyze what we have. Sometimes by doing this we are able to cope, see better and learn more. Sam has taught me many things. Going with the flow is the biggest thing I will ever learn. If it works don’t try to fix it. Knowing it is what it is can help. I have a long way to go to heal and get back on track. My body is weak and weary and I am constantly sick. All the planning, organizing, analyzing and research I have done is waiting because I am so tired I cannot do anything with it or myself. I want so bad to jump out of this hole of despair and get back on track, get back to my life. But I know I will and can never get back to MY life because my life is not my own anymore it is HER life. I live each day for HER, research for HER, learn for HER. Why? Because without me she might not be able to grow or learn or further her own life. For now I am her voice, her advocate, her deciding factor when she cannot pick what shoes to wear. I keep going each day hoping to get stronger. Sometimes I wonder if I can physically take it anymore, if my body might give out or betray me in some other way. But I keep going and keep trying. I know that someday it will be better and that someday I will be very happy with the life I worked so hard for. Someday, but not today. Today I am tired, weak, in pain, annoyed, pissed, angry, sad and just plain bored. All in all the things in life are what you make of them. All of them. No matter what anyone says, we are the creators of our own world. If we are sad it is because we allow ourselves to be sad. So for today I am allowing myself to feel awful and tired because I know it will not last. I WILL create a better future and the things in MY life will be for ME!