Been a while...

I have not written in a while. I sit here tired and defeated in front of my screen. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things were different. There are so many thoughts just swimming in my head. I have no time to do much of anything except be swamped with thought about what I need to do. Somedays I try to tell myself I am lazy but in the end "laziness" wills out I guess and another day has come and gone...Again!

Today is Wednesday!

...And so begins another gloomy day of research and videos. I don’t remember how it started. Something with a post about another blog page and that lead to researching two movies which lead to a video, then another and yet another until I saw the video for “particle man” and said “why not?” so I clicked it! I remember feeling so very overwhelmed. In my opinion I can never find enough information on girls with autism. When I do it’s validating to know that there are others out there however this seems to be a new thing. I don’t know if it’s just talk outta my butt because I have been watching so many videos on it and knowing that is exactly what my life is like some days…Sometimes I don’t understand the ways of the world and I think it is just not meant for me to ponder such things. So I feel as if I am floating from day to day, learning anything I can in the process of just being. It seems for right now my life have been on hold, waiting…waiting for something…

No one cares...

It does not matter what I do, no one cares. I sit here alone, by myself and no one cares. Why bother writing, why bother doing anything? Why do I even bother at all!? All I seem to do is mess things up and piss people off. I am so very sad, no one cares. Even in my darkest times, no one cares. Why should I care??? No one cares!!!! I'll stuff it all down and shut the hell up because guess what??? No one cares!!!

Another day in the life of....

Sometimes my curiosity it like a bad drug. I get withdraws from knowledge from time to time. Because of this I keep myself immersed in an unhealthy level of knowledge. I keep trying to learn and grow but getting wrapped up in all the sour feeling I have some days for autism. As I read other parent’s stories I am infatuated and frustrated that there is not more we as parents can do. No one will really know what it is like to have a child who regressed and lost valuable learning in the process. No parent may ever really know what its like to re teach your child to speak. No one knows the pain we parents often carry, unless you have been affected by autism. It is said if you know one person with autism, you know one person…This is because autism affects us all differently. Some kids are high functioning and some are low functioning, some may be able to speak, other cannot yet can blog and write books. Autism is so very different for everyone. I want the world to know this!!! For those of you who do not know what we go through please learn and grow with me. I need your help too because without an accepting world my child will never have a chance. I have my good days and I have my bad days, but everyday I breathe and live for my child. Everyday is a learning process and everyday I try and try to come to terms with my life…Autism is my life!

I'm no Fool, This is MY Life!

I think of all the things I could joke about and realize my whole life could be view as one big joke. From the denial to the harder days, the trials and exhaustion every breath has been real. Everyday can become a struggle. Everyday I have to plan. Everyday I feel depleted. I love my daughter dearly and sometimes I feel that life played a joke on me. You see, whatever does not kill us only makes us stronger. So after all is said and done we are still standing strong! I will now laugh at people who say stupid things. I won’t get angry and upset anymore. It serves no point; they are going to be ignorant no matter what. It just pains me sometimes to know that some people won’t try to learn but yet try to disprove what you tell them. There is so much information about autism and I don’t understand why people choose to believe all the stereotypes and old information? Why can’t we all be educated? I guess people only want to know what they need to know. For autism awareness month I think I will educate other as much as I can. Pray for me because it is going to be hard and I know I am going to find a lot of ignorance. It needs to be done. People need to know the truth, and that as research continues, more information is going to flow. So what do you say…Will you flow with me?

Things in Life

Sometimes it is all about how you view the things in life. Sometimes you might view something as good or sometimes you might view something as bad. It depends on what mechanism we use to dissect and analyze what we have. Sometimes by doing this we are able to cope, see better and learn more. Sam has taught me many things. Going with the flow is the biggest thing I will ever learn. If it works don’t try to fix it. Knowing it is what it is can help. I have a long way to go to heal and get back on track. My body is weak and weary and I am constantly sick. All the planning, organizing, analyzing and research I have done is waiting because I am so tired I cannot do anything with it or myself. I want so bad to jump out of this hole of despair and get back on track, get back to my life. But I know I will and can never get back to MY life because my life is not my own anymore it is HER life. I live each day for HER, research for HER, learn for HER. Why? Because without me she might not be able to grow or learn or further her own life. For now I am her voice, her advocate, her deciding factor when she cannot pick what shoes to wear. I keep going each day hoping to get stronger. Sometimes I wonder if I can physically take it anymore, if my body might give out or betray me in some other way. But I keep going and keep trying. I know that someday it will be better and that someday I will be very happy with the life I worked so hard for. Someday, but not today. Today I am tired, weak, in pain, annoyed, pissed, angry, sad and just plain bored. All in all the things in life are what you make of them. All of them. No matter what anyone says, we are the creators of our own world. If we are sad it is because we allow ourselves to be sad. So for today I am allowing myself to feel awful and tired because I know it will not last. I WILL create a better future and the things in MY life will be for ME!

It's no use crying over burnt biscuit!

Sam looks at me with tear-filled eyes. I just got there and have no clue why she is crying. My husband explains to me that our daughter must first eat her dinner before she can eat cake. Obviously from the tears Sam is not listening. She insists on telling me that she wants cake. I can tell a meltdown is coming and I start to feel a little flustered because we are at my cousin’s house and there are other people eating dinner with them too. She insists on cake. "I want cake" I want cake" over and over. I explained that the others want to eat their dinner in peace and that no one is going to give in and give her cake. As she starts to cry louder I lift her and bring her into the other room. She remains on the floor crying. Then she started to yell/cry louder. This is a tactic she uses when other people are around. She thinks if she cries/yells then other people will feel sorry for her. I keep explaining it will not work. She gets launder and more annoying as we go. At this point I remind her that we are at my cousin’s apartment and that the people downstairs are going to hear her yelling and crying and we will all get into trouble. She slows down enough to consider this though then keeps repeating "I want cake". At this point I am so frustrated that she won’t just stand up and talk to me. I get so frustrated that I spanked her bottom a few times and threatened to take her home right away if she did not stop yelling and crying. This is when she starts in with “I can't stop”. Sob after shaky sob she yells “I can’t stop". After a few more mins I am able to convince her to talk to me even though she does not want to stand up. We eventually negotiate that if she eats a bite of biscuit and a bite of ham she will be allowed to have a small piece of cake. She haggles a bit on this but gives in. So we go back to the table. When we get there she starts all over again at square one and I pick her up and bring her back into the other room. I kept explaining that we had an agreement and that she was disrupting dinner for the others. We renegotiate that if she just eats all the biscuit she can have cake. So we go to try it again. When we get back her place had been switched and she freaked over this too. It took a min to convince her to take a deep breath and explained what she wanted. She inhales as instructed and blows out like she does when she is practicing breathing with pinwheels. “Mommy, Rose had set me next to Jil". Ok so she wanted to sit next to her other cousin. Daddy offers his seat and after a moment of confusion she accepts and takes it. She sits down takes a bite and begins to cry. She throws the bread back onto the plate and yells "Mommy it burns me". She then starts to cough and gag and proceed to spit it out! I become angrier at this point and advise her not to spit it out on the floor. I told her she needed to chew and swallow because the biscuit was not hot and it did not burn her. She insisted it burns, it burns, and it burns! She holds the piece she bit off in her mouth for about 20 mins. Chewing slowly and crying, she then explains that the bottom of the biscuit is burnt and because it is burn it is burning her tongue. My husband grabs the biscuit tears the burnt piece off the bottom and asks her to spit out the piece she has in her mouth. She smiles after this and says “Thanks daddy" and shoves the rest of the biscuit in her mouth! She smiles happily as she munches away eating the whole thing, acting as if nothing ever happened and she had been sitting and eating dinner with everyone else the whole time.

Moving Again

It sucks sitting here waiting to move stuff. Yet again we are moving. There is really no one person to blame for the events of our lives over the past few years. The truth is we live with autism in our family and it impacts everything we do in our lives. I sit on my computer this morning and I find other blog sites out there. There are others just like us! My daughter Samara is autistic! She was diagnosed in December of 2010.I have stuggled for the past few years to accept this and any parent of an autistic child could tell you, this is very common and then some. I think about all the things I ccouldd have done with my life and I ended up accidentally becomming a mom. Well thats great and all. I know a lot about kids! Perfect, my work was all cut out for me. Be a mom, raise my kid, make her go to colledge. Perfect plan right? Wrong! Austim happend. Well it didnt just fall out of the sky she had it the whole time. It just came to my attention and I tried like hell to ignore it! Bad idea! LOL! Autism does not go away! We can pretend but its there. I often have to remind myself that it is an everyday part of who Samara is and I need to accept it in order to thrive and be sucessful for my life and hers. Its going to be a long story but it is mine and I hope it helps!